Ah, because I am an arrogant fool using a chainsaw, I also casually had an operator[] kicking around rather than a nice safe at(), and there was *also* a sneaky out-of-bounds read that was pulling zeroes (and other forbidden numbers) from breezlines beyond the veil of defined reality.
So anyway it turns out it's one of those historically misnamed things and I indeed didn't have mystery floating point math lurking in my integer snow code; it was a modulo operator getting a zero denominator due to unsigned overflow from a breezeline getting too old without being reset, which is random.
Wonder if new-age C++ will ever add saturating arithmetic to the core language.