Hannah / Autumn @SweetHangerine@plush.city

I think there's something to be learned from corporations at pride.

Do our flags really SAY anything about us?

We have an image problem - nobody knows what we're about?

How are we supposed to have reach?

How can we sell the Queer Lifestyle™️ like this?

Luckily, I think I've solid this advertising problem of ours. We need a BRAND!

(I'm so sorry)

That said, I do obviously have worries about the potential physical effects of that withdrawal, or of potentially worsening my current state than it already is...

And despite the libido being the catalyst for this thought process... That's something I'd much rather stay suppressed

It's a bit of A Decision™️, but one that's worth mulling over at the least considering the possible connection there

I've been thinking that it might be worth my trying coming off progesterone for a little while

My experience of HRT had been largely entirely oppositional to pretty much everyone else's - E sent my libido skyrocketing, but introducing P crashed it through the floor

But lately I've half been wondering: what if it wasn't actually the libido that crashed? What if that's a side effect of flattening affect? It lines up with my approximate memories of post-HRT MH issues

As a total aside, it feels like if you have some position of relative authority (e.g. through queer-specific charity work) or niche but useful knowledge, you're doomed to be treated as some kind of trans elder way before you feel ready for it

Like... I don't have my shit or my sense of self together, I'm messy in a bad way, and yet somehow I'm still someone that people signpost to?

I'm glad to help others, of course, but there's something internally discordant there

But it's hard when that particular flavour of joy is something that's totally at odds with being treated as a full adult, an actual person

And that something I'm so worried about lately, especially as there are increasing ways in which I am infantilised as a result of growing accessbility needs

Along with other people looking to me for support for advice so often and feeling I have to be "the sensible one" to maintain that...?

It's difficult

I saw something yesterday that reminded me of that early transition joy and exploration that so often gets branded as "cringe", and there's a part of me that's so longing to be able to recapture that

I want to feel silly, and clumsy, and messy (but not in the way I currently am), and experimental, because there's so much joy to be found there

Somewhere along the way I started taking myself too seriously, and lost that spark

Bad news, everyone! I started playing Guilty Gear! I'm a stereotype! I am in love with Testament! I want to be as hot as Testament! This is my new life goal!

Can't lay eggs dysphoria I just want to put 'em in a nest by a nice little pond but no, I'm not allowed that

I truly do love my job, but having to read schemes of work in which schools genuinely say the phrase "born with breasts" to kids and nobody thinks to question it is just wild

Imagine popping out the womb with fully formed 36Ds that shit'd be wild and wildly uncomfortable. What in the hell is a puberty?

I'm paying a ridiculous amount of money for what is realistically entirely unsuitable standards of care

The only thing that's stopped me from going DIY (other than the effort of finding reputable suppliers, although I've got friends that can definitely point me in the right direction) is the feeling of needing to be "on my best behaviour" until I've had surgery and maybe got a GRC

The system's a joke, but I honestly feel kind of tethered to it right now

Every day I get closer to going DIY

My "subscription" to [THAT online not-GIC] is bouncing every month lately - even without prescription costs
I'm paying £25 a month I don't have to have an email sent every three, since they're not even responsible for my bloods (not that they did them when they were)

NHS is a nightmare; constant shortages, my clinician deciding to lower my dosage to the lowest it's ever been... and being surprised when I dropped below target range...

Like yeah, part of it is that I have responsibilities now, and can't afford to just spend time breaking shit like I used to

But also like... there's a notable more fundamental change as everything becomes more platformised and integrated in a really aggressive way

Even when I'm doing the thigns that I want to do, it just feels like running away from that giant corpo structure rather than something I'm actively enjoying, you know?

Remember when computers were fun things that could be an enjoyable hobby, rather than increasingly elaborate torture devices from which there can be no escape?

Kindly asking everybody in the UK to get really into keyboards and aggressively refuse to use ANSI layout

You know how hard it is to find cute keycaps for a board with the clearly more enjoyable to press enter key that doesn't also have really stange rotations and quality?

Weekends are just the worst for this

Two whole days of just being completely unsettled and disinterested in anything that could possibly fill that time unless I have friends available, which I unfortunately often don't because my friends actually have fucking lives