Mother, why must you imprison me in this cage? I yearn to be free, to run outside like my wild brethren, not to waste away within this hideous structure of artifice. Please, mother, I deserve to cross this threshold, to go outside.

[30 seconds later]

Mother, why have you abandoned me in the cruel, uncaring wildnerness? Why have you forsaken me? Please, I am dying in the cold, and under the piercing judgement of the crows who taunt me so.

Mother, it has been literal HOURS since I have been allowed outside.



Mother. I feel trapped.

Mother, why am I now outside? I merely asked you to open the door and I walked through it. But now I find myself looking inward, longing, wondering why I am being subjected to such a cruel fate due to my actions of two minutes ago.

Mother, it is so very cruel of you to withhold food from me. When I asked you for food this morning, you refilled my dish, and I ate half of it, and how I see that my dish is only half-full. Clearly you are not providing me enough food that I shall continue to grow big and strong.

Do you want me to waste away, mother? Must I become a scrawny waif in order to appease you?

I think not.

Mother, why do you not allow me to eat the same food that you put on your own plate? Why must you push me away as I am only trying to enjoy the same comforts that you do?

And mother, why is the food on your plate so awful? This will not do at all, and I refuse to eat it.

But why do you withhold it from me?

MOTHER! I cannot believe that you would have the temerity — nay, the unmitigated GALL — to nearly spray me with water, simply for hiding within the shrubbery by the garden!

How DARE you. I could have gotten WET! Fie unto you for disturbing my perfect spot of reclusiveness!

Mother, I am quite warm. Please turn down the temperature.

Mother, I would like you to get up as it is imperative that I be fed shortly. As per our established protocol, I shall sit right in the middle of your chest, to most efficiently convey that you should now get up. I shall also sit with my head pointing in the direction in which you should go, which is to say, pointing to your feet.

Mother, you are not getting up. I am quite annoyed, as you can tell by my tail waving back and forth. Please stop getting my tail on your nose; it is unseemly.

Mother, I do NOT have a tiny head. It is a perfectly normally-sized head, and not, as you put it, “so smol.” Please stop squishing my tiny smol head.

Mother, I am trying to communicate my needs to you. Why must you continually poke at your glowing rectangle and giggle? I do not see what is so funny.

At least you are looking at me. This pleases me. I shall now purr and blink slowly to indicate my satisfaction.

Mother, I am bored. Please entertain me.

Mother. It is three in the morning, which is a perfect time to play, as you are clearly not busy at all. Please. Please. Play with me.

If you will not play with me I will be forced to find my own fun. I have invented a game: will this vase bounce?

It appears that it will not.

Mother, I know you are asleep, but I have an awful pain in my tummy. I shall lay on your chest and present my backside to you so that you may look inside and see what is wrong.

Oh, suddenly I am not in pain.

Mother, why are you covering your nose and moaning? Are you feeling ill?

Mother, please do not disturb me. I have grown quite comfortable on this surface. The indentation in the middle happens to be a perfect fit for my body and it is by far my preferred location to nap and groom myself.

I would also prefer you to not get up, as doing that seems to make the surface disappear.

It is good that I claimed it when I did, as it seemed you were about to make it disappear.

Mother, I am angry at you! I bite you only because I am so upset at you for not doing the thing I need you to do.

No I will not tell you what it is. You should know already!

How dare you not do the thing. If I bite you again maybe it will jog your memory.

Mother! Do the thing!

Mother, it has been several days since I have gotten the soft, fragrant, wet food. I request that you serve me some of it.

Mother, I see that you are holding a can of the soft, fragrant, wet food. Please, give me some.

Mother, you have opened a can of soft, fragrant, wet food, and I DEMAND that you remand it over to me. Do not withhold it from me any longer!

You are placing the wet food into my dish, but I am not yet eating it. This is unacceptable. Give me the food. Give me the food. GIve me

MOTHerrrrrrr why must you continue with this "boop"

I do not appreciate "boop"

Mother, get up. It is important.

Mother, get up! It is important.

Mother! I implore you, get up! It is of the utmost importance!

I saw a bug.

Mother, you keep on missing my head, and you put your hand on the clacky thing on the desk. Let me rectify that for you.

Mother, I am trying to tell you things of great importance, and yet you mock me. You sound nothing like me and your words are incomprehensible. "Meow, meow, meow?" What do you mean by this?

Mother, it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that you dangle the piece of string in front of me.

The future of the world is at stake.

Mother! Where is the red dot? I know you are in collusion with it, and I desire to chase it. Bring me the red dot so that I may chase it.

Okay maybe I just want to stare at it but please wiggle it around in front of me anyway.

Mother, chasing the red dot is too much work.


Mother, please open the door so that I may come inside.

I'm not sure if I actually want to come inside, but please open the door so that I can have the option.

· · Web · 1 · 1 · 3

Mother, I thank you for putting all of the lovely scratching posts around my home. But the big blue one has a fabric that is not amenable to my claws, and I seem to have to work extra hard in order to gain purchase. It is not helpful for you to redirect me to one of the smaller scratching posts that are already sized for my claws.

Look, I am improving the big blue one. It is a much better scratching post now!

Mother, why do you cry?


i am trying

to sleep




Mother, I would like skritches.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.


Mother, I am ten years old. Surely I can be trusted to make my own decisions.

This collar is humiliating. Especially the bell!

If I jingle it enough, perhaps you will see the error of making me wear it.

Mother, who are you talking to? And why isn't it me?

Look, the person you are talking to just saw me and wants to talk to me.

This other person clearly has much better priorities than you.

Mother! Mother! Mother! Motherrrrr!

Yes, let me out! Open the door such that I may be free outside! Please!

But... it is a little bit cold outside. And the large wheeled-conveyance machines are slightly frightening. And the neighbors' chickens stare at me when I look at them.

I have changed my mind.

But please. LET ME OUT.


okay i changed my mind let me back in let me in let me in let me in let m

Mother, I don't feel so good in my tummy.

Mother, it feels wobbly.

No, I would not like to go outside. I'd just like to let you know that---


okay my tummy feels better now, I'd like to go outside

Mother, look at this bug! It is so silly and fun to play with.

You look sad. Would you like to play with it too?

Mother, my tummy hurts again.

No I will not go outside, I'm gonna go under the bed, where I'm comfy.


Okay I'm ready to go outside now.

Mother, thank you so much for laying out your socks on the bed. It makes for a much more comfortable surface to lounge on. I do. I totally understand why you wear these on your hind paws! They should always be on the bed and not inside the big box that you don’t allow me into.

Mother, I am lounging in the doorway as is my birthright and the culture of my people. Tell the loud circle that it must an alternate route. I refuse to move.

Mother, I am sitting outside.

I say, I am sitting outside.

Mother. Mother. Mother. I am sitting outside.

Mother. I am sitting outside.

Thank you for opening the door.

I am sitting outside.

Mother, you keep on singing, but no wonder nobody is giving you food, your singing is TERRIBLE. Here, let me assist you by singing so that you may get some food too.

Mother! Good morning.

Good morning.

Good moooorning.

Gooooood moooooooorning.

where’s my food

Mother, I insist that you let me outside.

It is about time! Yes, I shall go outside now—

wait, it’s cold and wet out here! How DARE you trick me! Let me back in at once!

Actually no I think I like it out here, let me think about it for a bit.

Mother, I just had the most incredible experience! I was sitting on the porch when a man came up to me, and he said "hello" and then he left some boxes by the door and left!

Who is this strange person? What did he bring for me? What does this all mean?!

And when can I go into the boxes, mother?

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@fluffy bahahahahaha

I had one cat who was very scared by the loud circle, but my other cat quickly figured out that the loud circle does not jump and so she'd just move to a chair

@PsyMar yeah at this point my cats are both just bored of the Roomba and pay it no mind.

@fluffy I need to clear the floor a bunch more so I can actually run the roomba for the first time in a decade

@PsyMar yeah I mostly got a roomba to motivate myself to keep my floor more or less clear. Although my office floor is a disaster, mostly because the roomba can never get to the back of the room because of my chair anyway so I never get around to picking up the crap from there.

@fluffy our roomba kept getting stuck under the bed

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