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Mother, I just had the most incredible experience! I was sitting on the porch when a man came up to me, and he said "hello" and then he left some boxes by the door and left!

Who is this strange person? What did he bring for me? What does this all mean?!

And when can I go into the boxes, mother?

Mother, I demand attention. I want all the hugs and pets and attention that you can muster. Here, I will jump onto your lap to make it easier for you.

NO DO NOT TOUCH ME THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANT

Mother you keep on spending so much time on the drinking fountain and making it stinky

What am I supposed to drink from, this plebeian water fountain which you fill with ordinary filtered water every day? I think not!

Mother! You are wearing the soft plaid bathrobe! I MUST CLIMB ALL OVER YOU NOW.

You are extremely comfortable right now. For me, that is.

MOTHER how DARE you get me WET with WATER this is CRUEL and REPUGNANT I refuse to be subject to your HORRIFIC EVIL

Mother, what is this creature?! It is invading our home and stealing the light! How dare it look at me and attempt to speak my language! Begone, foul demon! Fie unto you!

MOTHER! The CREATURE is now eating MY FOOD. This is UNACCEPTABLE.

Mother, do not tell me to be quiet! Look at the creature over there, sitting patiently in the distance, respecting my space!!! He is doing it jUST to make me angry, I know it!!!!!

Mother, I am merely voicing my reservations with respect to this young interloper. Surely he must be fully vetted in order to ascertain his true motives in appearing here in my court.

I shall keep watch over you and him as you sleep. Rest assured that he shall not violate my domain.

Okay MOTHER, I accept that he lives here now, and I accept that he PROBABLY isn’t trying to kill us, but I don’t have to accept that I like him.

Wait no that’s what I meant, I just meant I don’t have to accept him. *Like* him? Ha, it is to laugh.

Okay, maybe he isn't too bad.

Mother, thank you for the treats, they are quite tas--

NO HE CANNOT HAVE TREATS, ALL TREATS. ARE. FOR. ME.

GIVE ME THE TREATS, INTERLOPER.

MOTHER! The interloper is attacking you! I shall save you!

INTERLOPER! BEGONE!!!!

... Mother, why are you yelling at ME? I was just saving your life!

See mother? I didn’t hiss at him. I am being good.

What do you mean it doesn’t count if I hiss at him twice later?

Mother, why do you bop me on the head? It is so mean! First you give me a bath this morning and now you bop me on the head, all because the interloper was too close to me after I walked up to him. So unfair!

Mother! Look at how I sit on your lap even though he is next to you! Look at how I don’t growl or hiss at him! I am in fact pretending he doesn’t even exist. See how good I am at pretending? It’s like his existence isn’t bothering me at all!!!

Mother, this is an outrage! He is playing with my favorite toy!

Yes I realize I haven't played with it in over a year but it is MY TOY, and he is PLAYING with it

Mother, it is my right to yell at him when I come up to him in his favorite napping spot. I don't care that I've never shown any interest in that napping spot before, he is in it and that offends me.

Mother, see how clever I am? By sitting in the doorway to your bedroom, I am preventing the interloper from coming in, as he now knows not to cross my barrier. It means I win control of the bedroom.

… Mother, why have you picked him up and carried him through the door? You have subverted my security measure! Do not blame me if he disturbs you as you sleep!

And if I join you in bed I may have to growl at him.

Mother, I hear you admonishing him as he attempts to dance the night away.

Perhaps next time you won’t be so quick to override my judgement.

Mother, I would like to come back inside. Please let me in.

... oh, but not while HE'S here.

how DARE he be next to you

I want to be next to you

This clumsy lout is raising such a ruckus, chasing the red dot around like a fool. Clearly he should be chasing the dot with grace and poise as I do. What a philistine.

Mother, I am ready to say hello to him, and yet he cowers in fear whenever I approach, and acts so surprised when I sniff him from behind. How dare he not quickly befriend me now that I am ready? I haven’t even swatted at him in at least six hours!

I believe he is defective.

Mother, you may wash me after you win my favorite game: hide and sulk.

Mother, I am once again asking you to NOT bring me into this small room. It is wet in here.

Mother, what—

MOTHER NO

MOTHER! Did you not see? He looked at you and the thing fell, he must be punished! I shall punish him for y--

MOTHER why do you stop me?!

MOTHER! You are petting him and he is bITING YOU!!!! allow me to perform VENGEANCE for y--

MOTHER why do you STOP me?!

mother, just because I am tolerating the idea of sleeping beside him does not mean we are now friends

Mother, this other cat is of weak constitution. See how if I sniff at him in friendly greeting, he cowers and hides? And that is why I bap him in punishment.

Oh, you are showing me the small black hole to hide in? That is strange, mother, but I haven’t been inside it in some time. What is it like?

Mother, what is that sound? Mother, why am I now trapped in here? … mother why are we going into the wheeled conveyance

MOTHER I DO NOT LIKE THIS WHERE ARE WE GOING NO I DO NOT LIKE DO NOT LIKE DO NOT LIKE

mother i am feeling far too sick to play or to be touched or to be bothered by the other cat and i cannot even stand to wear the collar with the bell as it is far too overwhelming

mother please do not touch me, allow me to die in peace as i languish in the comfort of the bed

oh but could you let me outside

Mother, I would like to go outside.

Oh, but it is very cold and windy, and it looks like it might rain.

No, do not close the door, I am still considering my options.

Mother, may I sit in your lap?

I see that your gray rectangle is there but I want to be there.

Fine, I shall find a lap elsewhere.

Oh, you have put away the gray rectangle? Well, it is too late, you lost your chance to have me in your lap.

Just kidding! Hello, mother, and mother's lap.

Mother, one month ago you took me in the car to take me to the vet and I was Quite Unhappy. Then one week ago you took me in the car again to take me to the vet and I was again Quite Unhappy, and you absolutely PROMISED that I would not have to go in the car to the vet for about two years.

So tell me, mother, WHY AM I IN THE CAR. AGAIN.

... why are we back HERE mother

i want to go home

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Oh I remember this place, and this fancy table that you keep telling me to get off of. I shall stand on it for old times sake.

Yes, mother, "Fiona, off the table," that is so nostalgic for me!

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Mother. While I was crying in the car I remember you saying I was a Very Good Girl and something about getting wet food later.

It is later.

So………

Mother! The other cat is on the table now!

I am so proud!!!!

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