No, mother, you may not lie down here, I am lying down here. This bed is very large, you could find somewhere else to lie down perhaps?

Yes I realize that this is “your spot” and “your pillows” but I would like to raise the question of what does it mean to own a “spot,” anyway.

Mother! I have subjugated the loud thing that takes us to the vet! This should show it who is boss. Are you not proud of me for my feat of daring and extreme countenance?

Oh hey I'ma go outside

Mother it is cold out here and I do not care for the white carpet, please put it away

No I will not come inside, I must be outside

[30 minutes later]

MOTHER I AM FREEZING HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME OUT HERE

oh hey I'ma go outside

Mother I am calibrating your minimum attention-grabbing threshold

Mother I am gently nosing at your leg

Mother I am very gently nibbling your leg

Mother I am ramping up my nibble ever so slightly

Mother please do not make me bite you

Mother, you are listening to this boring man and are clearly having difficulty falling asleep while doing so. Why not hold me in your lap and pet me? That would be much more effective for falling asleep.

You seem very tired.

Mother I have been in your lap for at least three minutes and you are still not petting me. This must be rectified.

No, pet ME, not the keyboard.

This boring man keeps on talking about "big, big, big dogs." Please tell him to not let any dogs in here.

Mother, I have something of utmost importance to tell y—

No I do not want headskritches, please, this is urg—

No please do not pick me up that is not what I want to tell—

Mother, no, I need to tell you something and it is…

Uh…

I forget.

… I did not say you could put me down.

Mother, there is an amazing other world on the other side of the gray ribbon on the ground! Why have I never explored this place? Oh, it is because I have always been frightened of the large creatures that zoom past. But I see none right now, so it must be safe to explore now.

Mother, why are you taking me back inside? I only wish to explore!

Mother, I wish to go outside, but I do not want to *be* outside.

Mother, please reconcile this issue for me.

No, mother, I am not "being ridiculous." You are stifling my freedom!

Mother has removed the collars of our oppression, the jingly yokes around our necks! We are unshackled, we are free, we may now run around the house, untethered by decorum and rule of law! It is anarchy, it is rebellion, it is glorious.

VIVA LA REVOLUCÍON!

Mother, the other cat seems to think that just because he has occupied Box that he is the ruler of Box, when everyone knows that possession of Box is meaningless as far as a declaration of power is concerned.

That said, I would like Box. Please delegate me as the proper ruler of Box, as is demanded by the natural order of things.

Mother, I am cold, and I demand hugs.

This hug is insufficient. I must climb upon your shoulders for the ultimate, best possible hug.

Oh, hello! I am very high up.

Hello mother! Where have you been, and why are you not letting me outside post-haste?

Mother, I am thirsty! Please stop sitting on my water bowl, you silly creature!

Mother, this water is DISGUSTING. What did you do to it?!

Mother, I would like to go outside.

I don't care that it's raining, I would like to go outside.

Please, please, let me outside. I know it's raining, but please let me outside.

Thank you! I am going outside now.

MOTHER, it is raining! Let me back in, I demand that you let me back in!!!

...

I'm bored. Maybe I could go outside?

MOTHER I MISSED you where WERE you I MISSED you where WERE you where WERE you where WERE you I MISSED YOU

I have so many things to tell you!

Mother, please summon Dot. I have not seen Dot in the near half a fortnight since you vanished suddenly, and I crave rapport with my only true friend, Dot.

I am even feeling so generous that Other Cat may also participate in the summoning of Dot and I shall not even complain. For Other Cat and I are both privy to the love of Dot.

I am so glad that you are back, Mother, for your return always presages the return of Dot.

It brings great joy and comfort to me to have once again been graced by Dot's loving, lustrous presence. I shall sleep well tonight.

Mother, the glowing rectangle is clearly causing you distress. I shall insert myself between you and it so as to reduce your panic.

Mother, I see you are eating ice cream.

Mother, I would like the ice cream.

You clearly did not notice my polite tap on your leg indicating that I would like the ice cream. Please, allow me to have the ice cream.

Mother. Mother. Mother. Please do not continue to withhold the ice cream.

Oh, I see that you are done with it. I shall now partake in the ice cream.

Oh, now my nose is cold.

Mother, haven't you noticed that I have been grumpy for the past week? You and Other Cat have much to answer for.

No, I do not want hugs and kisses and pets and skritches. I demand reparations for the massive socioeconomic disparity that I am subject to.

Okay maybe a little bit of pets.

Mother, I am Bored

No I do not want to play with Dot

No I do not want to play with String

No I certainly do not want to play with Other Cat

No I do not want to be petted

I will accept treats but those are not sufficient

No I do not want to go outside

Mother please stop touching me

but I am Bored

and I must have something to do

Mother! Mother! Open the door!

Other Cat and I are so worried that the door to the sleeping chamber is closed! Open the door!

Other Cat, please attempt to tunnel through the door, we must rescue Mother, who is bereft of our companionship!

Oh, Mother, you have opened the door. It was so silly for it to have been closed. We were starting to worry that perhaps you did not WANT us playing with you all night in the sleeping chamber.

Let us now play!

Mother, please let me outside. Other Cat and I would like to avail ourselves of the outdoor facilities, such as the large litter boxes with the plants, the all-you-can-eat buffet, and the shady forest-under-the-deck.

Ah, this is embarrassing, but it is rather cold outside; could you please let me back in?

Ah, but it turns out that I really want to be outside. Could you let me out… wait, no, do not, but do, but… do not… ah, no, I shall stay inside.

Oh but the door is closing? Yes I am outside.

[Note: I really did not want them to be indoor/outdoor cats, but even after 9 years of Fiona being strictly-indoors in a condo, the moment we moved to the suburbs she was immediately impossible to contain, and Tyler has also been resistant to staying inside. Both of them are rescue strays so they came pre-ruined, I think.]

[They are only allowed out with collars with bells on them and as far as I know they’ve been unsuccessful at ever catching a bird. They mostly stay near the house, too.]

[I am well aware of the whole “cats actually wander further than you think” but their collars also have AirTags on them and I’ve never seen them go more than 3 houses away. AirTags aren’t totally reliable for determining that, of course, but they typically only spend 1-2 hours outside at a time so it seems trustworthy as a metric. Usually they just hang out on my porch or deck, or follow me around in the yard while I garden.]

[That said, it is *absolutely* better for cats to remain strictly indoors, if you can manage it. At some point I need to build a catio to see if that’s enough to satisfy their need for outdoor stimulation.]

[We now return you to the long-running thread where I pretend to be Fiona.]

Yes mother, kiss kiss kiss, I appreciate that you love me but I would much rather you show me affection with food, mother. Kisses do not fill my tummy, they only warm my heart, and my heart is already overheating.

mother stop touching my tail

it is MY tail

i know you are jealous but that is no excuse

That is an interesting question, mother, but perhaps I could instead ask you, why is it that you only want to be on one side of the door at any given time?

Perhaps you are the strange one for being deliberate about your indoor-outdoor status.

You do seem to be in the minority on this issue.

No, mother, I would not like to be let back in.

Why am I watching you through the door, then? Oh, no reason. I am simply… observing. For science.

Other Cat has much to learn about being a cat. Does he have no sense of panache, of style, of maintaining an air of mystery around his motivations? He is so sincere and straightforward. Such wasted potential.

Mother, I am not a “kitten.” I am a mature 11-year-old and I demand respect, and I demand it NOW NOW NOW. Do not make me throw a tantrum.

Mother, I would like to go outside.

Yes, you say it is "very hot," like a "sauna," but I know not the meaning of these words, and I believe that you are being a whiny little kitten. Please let me outside.

Ah, yes, I am outside! It is... warm.

Very very warm.

I... think I shall lie in the shade.

Indoors.

Mother, you do not need to go into the wet room. If you would like to clean off I will happily groom you! I know that you are not flexible enough to reach much of your body with your own tongue.

Mother, why are you going into the wet room? I told you--

Mother, you have been there for quite some time. You must be horrified!

Mother, why are you lacking urgency with your exit from the wet room?

I have many concerns.

Mother? Mother? Where are you? I know you are around here somewhere as I hear you in the dark underground place but I cannot see you, and mother…

Mother, I am dying. I am dying, mother, I am dying.

Dying for a lack of attention, and of the great sadness which consumes me.

I am dying, mother. Can you not hear my anguish?

I need your hugs to live.