Mother, I would like to go outside.
I don't care that it's raining, I would like to go outside.
Please, please, let me outside. I know it's raining, but please let me outside.
Thank you! I am going outside now.
MOTHER, it is raining! Let me back in, I demand that you let me back in!!!
I'm bored. Maybe I could go outside?
Mother, please summon Dot. I have not seen Dot in the near half a fortnight since you vanished suddenly, and I crave rapport with my only true friend, Dot.
I am even feeling so generous that Other Cat may also participate in the summoning of Dot and I shall not even complain. For Other Cat and I are both privy to the love of Dot.
I am so glad that you are back, Mother, for your return always presages the return of Dot.
Mother, I see you are eating ice cream.
Mother, I would like the ice cream.
You clearly did not notice my polite tap on your leg indicating that I would like the ice cream. Please, allow me to have the ice cream.
Mother. Mother. Mother. Please do not continue to withhold the ice cream.
Oh, I see that you are done with it. I shall now partake in the ice cream.
Oh, now my nose is cold.
Mother, I am Bored
No I do not want to play with Dot
No I do not want to play with String
No I certainly do not want to play with Other Cat
No I do not want to be petted
I will accept treats but those are not sufficient
No I do not want to go outside
Mother please stop touching me
but I am Bored
and I must have something to do
Mother! Mother! Open the door!
Other Cat and I are so worried that the door to the sleeping chamber is closed! Open the door!
Other Cat, please attempt to tunnel through the door, we must rescue Mother, who is bereft of our companionship!
Oh, Mother, you have opened the door. It was so silly for it to have been closed. We were starting to worry that perhaps you did not WANT us playing with you all night in the sleeping chamber.
Let us now play!
Mother, please let me outside. Other Cat and I would like to avail ourselves of the outdoor facilities, such as the large litter boxes with the plants, the all-you-can-eat buffet, and the shady forest-under-the-deck.
Ah, this is embarrassing, but it is rather cold outside; could you please let me back in?
Ah, but it turns out that I really want to be outside. Could you let me out… wait, no, do not, but do, but… do not… ah, no, I shall stay inside.
Oh but the door is closing? Yes I am outside.
[Note: I really did not want them to be indoor/outdoor cats, but even after 9 years of Fiona being strictly-indoors in a condo, the moment we moved to the suburbs she was immediately impossible to contain, and Tyler has also been resistant to staying inside. Both of them are rescue strays so they came pre-ruined, I think.]
[They are only allowed out with collars with bells on them and as far as I know they’ve been unsuccessful at ever catching a bird. They mostly stay near the house, too.]
[I am well aware of the whole “cats actually wander further than you think” but their collars also have AirTags on them and I’ve never seen them go more than 3 houses away. AirTags aren’t totally reliable for determining that, of course, but they typically only spend 1-2 hours outside at a time so it seems trustworthy as a metric. Usually they just hang out on my porch or deck, or follow me around in the yard while I garden.]
Mother, you do not need to go into the wet room. If you would like to clean off I will happily groom you! I know that you are not flexible enough to reach much of your body with your own tongue.
Mother, why are you going into the wet room? I told you--
Mother, you have been there for quite some time. You must be horrified!
Mother, why are you lacking urgency with your exit from the wet room?
I have many concerns.
Mother? Mother? Where are you? I know you are around here somewhere as I hear you in the dark underground place but I cannot see you, and mother…
Mother, I am dying. I am dying, mother, I am dying.
Dying for a lack of attention, and of the great sadness which consumes me.
I am dying, mother. Can you not hear my anguish?
I need your hugs to live.
Mother! You are not feeding me with urgency, so clearly there is something wrong. Is it that you are trapped under these blankets? Here, I will dig you out from under the blankets so that you may feed me with alacrity!
There, I have freed you from the horrible burdensome weight of your bed-sheets, and thus you are now able to feed me.
Chop chop, mother.
Yes, mother, I did just go outside through the front door and then immediately came back inside. That is because it is too warm outside.
But hear me out: What if you were to let me out through the *back* door, instead?
What do you mean "You can just go around the house?" Those are silly words spoken by a silly creature.
You are a silly creature, mother.
Mother, I was quite pleased when Other Cat discovered the secret chamber in the wet room. It was ever so fun to open the sliding door and then climb inside, and there were so many interesting smells to experience inside!
But ever since last night, I cannot seem to open the sliding door, and this makes me sad. Mother, could you please repair the door so that I can go inside?
… What do you mean you locked it shut on purpose?
Mother, I haven't had treats today, could I please have some? Oh, I see you are watching the strange large growing rectangle. And here is a box of treats. Perhaps I can figure out how to open it myself.
Ah, if it hits the ground, there are now plentiful quantities of treats. I shall partake in them myself!
... What do you mean, "no?" Why are you putting the treats back in the box? Why do you not want the treats to be freely available, mother?
Why do you deprive me of treats?
Mother, why are you so obsessed with whether I am "in" or "out?" Do you not realize that this artificial binary is arbitrary and, frankly, a bit off-putting?
Mother, I would like to play! I am full of unbridled energy!
I do not understand you when you say I am 11 years old and I shouldn’t still have the rambunctiousness of a kitten b you yourself are always calling me “kitten,” so clearly that is what I am.
The fact that neither you nor Other Cat have the energy to keep up is not a personal failing on MY behalf.
Mother, I would like to go outside.
Oh, but now that I look out there, I would not.
No, mother, I WOULD like to go outside.
Oh, but no, I would not.
But come to think of it, I would enjoy being outside; please let me out.
Except the outdoors are not presently to my liking.
Why are you not opening the door for me?
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