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Mother, please summon Dot. I have not seen Dot in the near half a fortnight since you vanished suddenly, and I crave rapport with my only true friend, Dot.

I am even feeling so generous that Other Cat may also participate in the summoning of Dot and I shall not even complain. For Other Cat and I are both privy to the love of Dot.

I am so glad that you are back, Mother, for your return always presages the return of Dot.

It brings great joy and comfort to me to have once again been graced by Dot's loving, lustrous presence. I shall sleep well tonight.

Mother, the glowing rectangle is clearly causing you distress. I shall insert myself between you and it so as to reduce your panic.

Mother, I see you are eating ice cream.

Mother, I would like the ice cream.

You clearly did not notice my polite tap on your leg indicating that I would like the ice cream. Please, allow me to have the ice cream.

Mother. Mother. Mother. Please do not continue to withhold the ice cream.

Oh, I see that you are done with it. I shall now partake in the ice cream.

Oh, now my nose is cold.

Mother, haven't you noticed that I have been grumpy for the past week? You and Other Cat have much to answer for.

No, I do not want hugs and kisses and pets and skritches. I demand reparations for the massive socioeconomic disparity that I am subject to.

Okay maybe a little bit of pets.

Mother, I am Bored

No I do not want to play with Dot

No I do not want to play with String

No I certainly do not want to play with Other Cat

No I do not want to be petted

I will accept treats but those are not sufficient

No I do not want to go outside

Mother please stop touching me

but I am Bored

and I must have something to do

Mother! Mother! Open the door!

Other Cat and I are so worried that the door to the sleeping chamber is closed! Open the door!

Other Cat, please attempt to tunnel through the door, we must rescue Mother, who is bereft of our companionship!

Oh, Mother, you have opened the door. It was so silly for it to have been closed. We were starting to worry that perhaps you did not WANT us playing with you all night in the sleeping chamber.

Let us now play!

Mother, please let me outside. Other Cat and I would like to avail ourselves of the outdoor facilities, such as the large litter boxes with the plants, the all-you-can-eat buffet, and the shady forest-under-the-deck.

Ah, this is embarrassing, but it is rather cold outside; could you please let me back in?

Ah, but it turns out that I really want to be outside. Could you let me out… wait, no, do not, but do, but… do not… ah, no, I shall stay inside.

Oh but the door is closing? Yes I am outside.

[Note: I really did not want them to be indoor/outdoor cats, but even after 9 years of Fiona being strictly-indoors in a condo, the moment we moved to the suburbs she was immediately impossible to contain, and Tyler has also been resistant to staying inside. Both of them are rescue strays so they came pre-ruined, I think.]

[They are only allowed out with collars with bells on them and as far as I know they’ve been unsuccessful at ever catching a bird. They mostly stay near the house, too.]

[I am well aware of the whole “cats actually wander further than you think” but their collars also have AirTags on them and I’ve never seen them go more than 3 houses away. AirTags aren’t totally reliable for determining that, of course, but they typically only spend 1-2 hours outside at a time so it seems trustworthy as a metric. Usually they just hang out on my porch or deck, or follow me around in the yard while I garden.]

[That said, it is *absolutely* better for cats to remain strictly indoors, if you can manage it. At some point I need to build a catio to see if that’s enough to satisfy their need for outdoor stimulation.]

[We now return you to the long-running thread where I pretend to be Fiona.]

Yes mother, kiss kiss kiss, I appreciate that you love me but I would much rather you show me affection with food, mother. Kisses do not fill my tummy, they only warm my heart, and my heart is already overheating.

mother stop touching my tail

it is MY tail

i know you are jealous but that is no excuse

That is an interesting question, mother, but perhaps I could instead ask you, why is it that you only want to be on one side of the door at any given time?

Perhaps you are the strange one for being deliberate about your indoor-outdoor status.

You do seem to be in the minority on this issue.

No, mother, I would not like to be let back in.

Why am I watching you through the door, then? Oh, no reason. I am simply… observing. For science.

Other Cat has much to learn about being a cat. Does he have no sense of panache, of style, of maintaining an air of mystery around his motivations? He is so sincere and straightforward. Such wasted potential.

Mother, I am not a “kitten.” I am a mature 11-year-old and I demand respect, and I demand it NOW NOW NOW. Do not make me throw a tantrum.

Mother, I would like to go outside.

Yes, you say it is "very hot," like a "sauna," but I know not the meaning of these words, and I believe that you are being a whiny little kitten. Please let me outside.

Ah, yes, I am outside! It is... warm.

Very very warm.

I... think I shall lie in the shade.


Mother, you do not need to go into the wet room. If you would like to clean off I will happily groom you! I know that you are not flexible enough to reach much of your body with your own tongue.

Mother, why are you going into the wet room? I told you--

Mother, you have been there for quite some time. You must be horrified!

Mother, why are you lacking urgency with your exit from the wet room?

I have many concerns.

Mother? Mother? Where are you? I know you are around here somewhere as I hear you in the dark underground place but I cannot see you, and mother…

Mother, I am dying. I am dying, mother, I am dying.

Dying for a lack of attention, and of the great sadness which consumes me.

I am dying, mother. Can you not hear my anguish?

I need your hugs to live.

Mother! You are not feeding me with urgency, so clearly there is something wrong. Is it that you are trapped under these blankets? Here, I will dig you out from under the blankets so that you may feed me with alacrity!

There, I have freed you from the horrible burdensome weight of your bed-sheets, and thus you are now able to feed me.

Chop chop, mother.

Mother, even though I am grown, and you did not birth me, seeing your pendulous breast fills me with such desire, such longing, such… nostalgia.

You present it to me, and so I shall accept your offer and attempt to nurse.

Mother! Why do you yowl in pain?!

Other cat, accept my grooming—

Other cat, accept my gr—

OTHER CAT, accept my—


Yes, mother, I did just go outside through the front door and then immediately came back inside. That is because it is too warm outside.

But hear me out: What if you were to let me out through the *back* door, instead?

What do you mean "You can just go around the house?" Those are silly words spoken by a silly creature.

You are a silly creature, mother.

Mother, it is very strange that you sometimes put the white... bag over your head, and then flail your arms about madly while muttering to yourself about "full combos."

I shall keep you company by resting by your feet as you do th--MOTHER DO NOT STEP ON ME WHY ARE YOU STEPPING ON ME

Mother, you are eating lasagna.

I, too, would like the lasagna.

Yes I am serious, do not laugh at me!

Who is this "Garfield" of whom you speak?

Mother, I have an urge to climb a tree.

There are no trees in here, though.

You will have to do.

I WILL catch Dot someday, mark my words.

I do not know what I will do with Dot when I do, but I am filled with determination for Dot. Dotermination, if you will.

Mother, I just saw that, how you picked up Other Cat and gave him hugs.

Surely that was a mistake. I am right here and you have not picked me up and given me hugs today.

You are remiss in distributing hugs equally, and I expect immediate recompense.

Mother, I was quite pleased when Other Cat discovered the secret chamber in the wet room. It was ever so fun to open the sliding door and then climb inside, and there were so many interesting smells to experience inside!

But ever since last night, I cannot seem to open the sliding door, and this makes me sad. Mother, could you please repair the door so that I can go inside?

… What do you mean you locked it shut on purpose?

Mother, I haven't had treats today, could I please have some? Oh, I see you are watching the strange large growing rectangle. And here is a box of treats. Perhaps I can figure out how to open it myself.

Ah, if it hits the ground, there are now plentiful quantities of treats. I shall partake in them myself!

... What do you mean, "no?" Why are you putting the treats back in the box? Why do you not want the treats to be freely available, mother?

Why do you deprive me of treats?

Mother! Other Cat and I are having ever so much fun running around the house and chasing each other and sliding into walls. You should join us in the merriment! It is a great to-do.

Mother, clearly you do not understand. Other Cat and I are not being indecisive about asking to come inside, we are asking YOU to come OUTSIDE. Please, lounge on the patio with us, and enjoy the sunbeams. It is much healthier than languishing inside and looking sad.

There is another Other Cat outside, and it is neither me or Other Cat.

Other Other Cat, go away! This home is spoken for! You do not belong here!

See how big my tail is?! You cannot compete with my majestic tail! Go away, Other Other Cat!

Ah yes you are now fleeing. I shall run to the front window to watch you escape.

I hope you have learned your lesson and you will never come back here, Other Other Cat.

Mother, why are you so obsessed with whether I am "in" or "out?" Do you not realize that this artificial binary is arbitrary and, frankly, a bit off-putting?

Mother, I would like to play! I am full of unbridled energy!

I do not understand you when you say I am 11 years old and I shouldn’t still have the rambunctiousness of a kitten b you yourself are always calling me “kitten,” so clearly that is what I am.

The fact that neither you nor Other Cat have the energy to keep up is not a personal failing on MY behalf.

Okay, I have now tired of playing with String. You and String may take your leave.

Mother, I would like to go outside.

Oh, but now that I look out there, I would not.

No, mother, I WOULD like to go outside.

Oh, but no, I would not.

But come to think of it, I would enjoy being outside; please let me out.

Except the outdoors are not presently to my liking.

Why are you not opening the door for me?


Other Cat, where are you?

Other Cat? Other Cat, Other Cat where are you?

Oh, hello mother. No, I am not "pining" for Other Cat, do not be silly. I simply am concerned that I have not seen him recently. I appreciate your presence but you do not seem to understand me the way that Other Cat does.

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