Executive Level Gay @soffkitty@plush.city

my GP today asked me to go see a physio therapist, and im just so not prepared for that.

especially after my last experience with physio in which i was told i was making up my pain and that i just needed to toughen up and stop having mental health

like fucking no thanks i dont wanna deal with that shit anymore

i just need someone to tell me where to go and what to say so that i can get some fucking pain relief goddamnit

wheres the local trans support dammit

6 months - if im lucky - to see a specialist who very well may outright dismiss me because im trans. dismiss me because i have mental health diagnosis

and im just fucking not here for it

im not here for more dismissal

i dont want to have to go through several specialists before one will even treat me with respect

because its already happened so many fucking times and i just cant deal anymore

i cant deal with doctors treating me like im less than human

i get in this level of pain at least once a fucking month - at *least*

should i just start going to the ER? should i just pay for all of this care out of pocket? should i just pull the trigger and pay for a wheelchair out of pocket or crowdfund for one?

Because fucking frankly, im really hitting the end of my rope. i just want to walk without pain. i just want to feel like i can do everyday things like cook

but instead i have to wait 6 months to see a specialist

i went to my GP this morning, and the best they offered me was "go see a chiropracter", to which my only response is "alright see you in 2 weeks"

im so fucking sick and tired of being caught like this. of feeling like i cant do anything to make things better.

i just want to be taken seriously or offered any amount of help or care that isnt entirely temporary. i need support and healthcare, not fucking dismissal and being shuffled out of the clinic

so anyways i am seriously just fucking done with the pain.

i almost went to the emergency room last night because i hade taken the maximum dose of every pain med i can get over the counter. i laid down in bed and could barely move at 8pm, and by 12pm i was in tears and struggling to keep my shit together. i could barely even shift my weight

holding my phone or a cup was even too much as my hands were on literal fire.

It's been 1 year and 4.5 months since I cut off my abusive adoptive mom

Life is so so much better. Every day I get farther, and every day I heal more. She will never have power over me again

I am the only one who has power over me. I am the only put one who has power over me. I am the only fucking one with power over me, and I am so much better for it

Clippings like

"I wanted to avoid whatever waited in the apartment, to wander around until midnight and sneak in once he fell asleep, but even at dusk the heat was still overpowering."

or

"I believed he was earnest, or at least I wanted to, but my fear had been carved into me over years and years, and it wasn’t going to be reasoned with or ignored."

its really eating me

I started reading "If I Was Your Girl" by Meridith Russo today. It was recommended by a trans girl in the trans support group I facilitate through work

So far, it has a terrible habbit of punching me right in the feels. I've clipped out so many different bits already, and im only like 5% the way in. Definitely liking it so far, even if it is a bit... gender-envy from time to time.

goddamn fedi, yall are amazing and blow me away every time.

how is this such a place for good that genuinely lifts up those who need it? like, how did you build this place.

Moneys Received:

$124 of $550, 426 to go

Hey folks, my partner is in recovery from bottom surgery but has no income remaining and nothing in savings and can't work. Best part? Benifits haven't decided if she is going to get funding - even tho she was supposed to have it a month and a half ago.

Literally anything would help them, but they are seeking $550

PayPal.me/NatalieRubyGraves

oops its a track...

coming soon maybe? probably. if i can summon the emotional spoons to create a release

Throwback to that one time, when I was reliving my trauma in a flashback and my girlfriend called a house song techno and I almost came back to reality for precisely long enough to correct her

Apparently, pro tips for how to get ari out of a flashback is "make a trash hot take about music"

BITWIG 4.3 LAUNCHED 2 DAYS AFTER MY LICENSE EXPIRED

fucking rage omfg bitwig why did you do this to me right as you get convolution reverbs and a new delay unit

Wrestling is just combat drag send toot

Hey folks... Do you know of an amazing counter protest speach recorded or on video from a woman or trans/enbie/gender diverse person?

I'm looking to do my small part in the counter-protest by using my art and my music to platform those who can speak better than I can.

I'm looking for speaches or statements that have been recorded that I can sample and use in a song. anything works.

Reply with links maybe?

i really need more music producers i can send a track to for mix input

my speakers are definietly not the best thing in the world to take as an ultimate truth

(this is an open invite to dm me and share tracks back and forth)